I was not ignorant of the state of Guatemala before coming here; I traveled to Nicaragua in 2010 and took a class on the indigenous population of Guatemala this past semester. However, 10th grade me did not fully understand what I was seeing and every country is different. As for my indigenous peoples's class, I was very struck by what I was reading about the genocide that took place during the civil war, but at the end of the day, a required reading is a required reading and it didn't make too much of an impact on how I viewed Guatemala. Today, we were fortunate enough to get to meet a group of civil war widows and women of families directly targeted in the genocide who now weave together. We were able to hear testimonies from the women about what they experienced during the civil war, and suddenly the stories I had read about in class came to life. The president of the group spoke about how her home was burnt to the ground and her family was separated in hopes that it would improve their chances of surviving. She told us that she had her newborn with her and that the group she was in refuge with told her to kill her baby or leave, so she left to hide on her own. It was incredibly moving to hear how selfless she was for her family. We were so blessed to be in the company of such strong women and I was so blessed to be able to put in to context the things I had studied for a semester.
Afterward, we boarded the bus, anxious to travel to our next location, Panajachel. Immediately, I put in my headphones and was in bus ride mode. If you know me at all, you know my mind never stops, and I began looking at the scenery change and letting my mind do its thing. The first thought that came to mind was "Hm, should I move to Guatemala? Is this what God is telling me to do?" So naturally, I started looking for a house similar to one that I would live in if I were to come here, and naturally, they were all the big ones with bars over the windows. My mind then immediately went to the question of "How much less would it cost for me to live here?" which then reminded me about my current money situation and before I knew it I was going over figures in my head that had absolutely nothing to do with potentially living in Guatemala and trying to change the world. It wasn't until I saw another house that peaked my fancy that I realized how selfish I was being. It was also then that I realized all the shanty homes surrounding the big beautiful house. It was then that I had the opposite of an "ah-ha" moment, one that I have been calling an "oh crap" moment. I had just spent the afternoon hearing stories of survival during a genocide and all I could think about was how much money was in my bank account. Instead of trying to hear what God has in store for me, I was listening to a European pop band sing of luxuries. I didn't find myself, however; I found who I do not want to be. I do not want to be entitled. I cringe at the word, because I'm now realizing it's what I am. I don't believe I am a spoiled brat, but I'm realizing that I'm not much better. My heart is usually in the right place, but my head needs to join my heart there in that place instead of worrying about material things. I want to be a person who can make a difference in the world, as I have always been that person in my heart. I hope that by embracing the "oh crap"s, my head and heart will be clearer to hear God and bring me to an "ah-ha".
It is hard to put in to words what we are experiencing here, but I hope my little testimony gives light to the work God is doing in Guatemala and in us that are here experiencing it.
Xoxo,
Carly
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